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Chicken. By Gregg Gillis.

1. Work an 8-hour shift at a mall in America during December.
2. Get into a car.
3. Drive to the nearest Wendy's.
4. At the drive-thru, ask for a 99-cent Crispy Chicken Sandwich.
5. Forget that buying and consuming meat is bad for the world.
6. Shout "wait'll you see my dick" through mouthfuls of said sandwich while speeding home.
7. Yes.

The Plan, er, The Flan

Johnnie Two-Timer, here's the plan. Er, I mean Flan. I need you to find the men who made the hit -er I mean- wonderful recipe and 'thank them proper'. Do what you have to do, the cops are taking bribes a liking to the recipe.

Hunt down the thugs eggs and beat them until you can't differentiate their insides from their outsides. 

Make an example for their kids.

I mean give a free sample to the kids.

At the end, light the dock dish on fire for presentation's sake.

i love my beautiful children

this week my lovely husband bruce and i are going to the fairfolk county fair with the kids! it will be little joeys first time, and gabrielle had a fun time last year so i can bet shes excited for this year as well! we will be working our own little pastree stand so please stop by! i made my world famous oatmeal raisin cookies! last year we made so many good cookies that we took most of them home and i had to try to sell them door to door because i didn't tell bruce that i was gonna make so many! boy was he suprised at how many oatmeal cookies i had made! i would tell you guys the recipe because they are so good but i can't because they are a secret recipe!

The Caveman's Delight

This favorite recipe is made from scratch!

Get stick off tree and poke water.

If can poke water, look at water and see caveman look like you. 

Shout at caveman 'Ah-oo, Bad Caveman, Ah-oo!'

Hit water with stick, see caveman look weird.

'Bad Caveman, Ah-oo!'

Go back to the kitchen.

Check on how your prosciutto and Swiss cheese on rye sandwiches are cooking.

Tiramiso

Adapted from this recipe.

6 egg yolks
1 1/4 c. sugar
1 1/4 c. marscarpone cheese
1 3/4 cup heavy whipping cream
2 12 oz. packages ladyfingers
1/3 c. miso paste
1 tsp. unsweetened cocoa powder, for dusting
1 1 oz. square semisweet chocolate

1. Combine egg yolks and sugar in the top of a double boiler, over boiling water. Reduce heat to low, and cook for about 10 minutes, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and whip yolks until thick and lemon colored.
2. Add mascarpone to whipped yolks. Beat until combined. In a separate bowl, whip cream to stiff peaks. Gently fold into yolk mixture and set aside.
3. Split the lady fingers in half, and line the bottom and sides of a large glass bowl. Brush with miso paste. Spoon half of the cream filling over the lady fingers. Repeat ladyfingers, miso paste, and filling layers. Garnish with cocoa and chocolate curls. Refrigerate several hours or overnight.
4. To make the chocolate curls, use a vegetable peeler and run it down the edge of the chocolate bar.

I can't seem to get this one right.

Brownies

40 personal cups of chocolate pudding (brown)
½ Can of James Donovan’s protein powder


Don’t you hate how hard it is to get protein sometimes? Me too.

Mix 40 personal cups of chocolate pudding together in a large bowl. Place the used plastic containers on shelves because, hey, it’s a nice decoration sometimes. Sprinkle in half of a can of my roommate James Donovan’s protein powder. Trust me, he doesn’t use it. He’s not that big. I mean, he’s a thick guy, but that’s just his bones not his muscles. Pour the mixture in a pan and bake it in the oven. No frosting necessary, the whole thing looks like frosting! You could use sprinkles also I guess too.

Greg's Chili Beans

When it comes to making a hearty soup, I normally just buy the soup-in-a-can things that they have at the store but I thought hey maybe I should try something new, ya know, considering I am a young bachelor in his early 20s who has had his fair share of good and bad relationships, most of which (the bad ones that is) were not really my fault- I mean how was I supposed to know when sweetest day is (or whatever they call that made-up holiday) the one time Shari got all ticked off at me-, whereas the good relationships were pretty alright too, depending on the criteria. Jamie was a bit nutso for sure, but she always did treat me right. I guess looking back I should have stayed with Chrissy and that it was sorta shallow of me to get grossed out by her birthmark. But hey I mean, what can you do, right? The past is the past. There's plenty of time for me to get hitched anyway, so I might as well have fun with my guy friends and whatever happens as far as meeting girls, so be it.

Mom's Spaghetti

1 lb. frozen peas
16 oz. canned carrots
3 heirloom tomatoes
1 head of lettuce
gel cake of unidentifiable white gel cake

Turn gel cake of unidentifiable white gel cake over onto bed of let-us. Shake until free of casing. Throw on some peas, some carrots, some toms. Call your mom, tell her you love her. Serve with custard, I guess.

Lou Bega's Soul Surprise

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

3 cups flour

3 large eggs

1/2 cup water

1 teaspoon yeast

10 lbs mystery ingredient*

*Pick a three digit number before continuing reading. Next walk into the grocery store. The first digit is the aisle number. The next two digits are the number of steps to take down the aisle. Turn left and choose item on middle shelf.*

After returning from store, mix ingredients in a large bowl. Spray giant casserole dish with Pam or other vegetable oil spray. Cook Lou Bega's Soul Surprise until golden brown.

Asparagus Treat

Mood: Football!

Music: Dave Matthew's Band

Ingredients:

10 Asparagus stems

1/2 case of natty

1/3 cup brown sugar (optional)

1. Preheat oven to 300

2. Drink 1/2 case of natty

3. Put asparagus on cookie sheet and spill some brown sugar on the cookie sheet as well.

4. Almost put the tray in the oven, but then leave the room and set cookie sheet in living room

5. Ask friends if they can "Spare a Gus" and then chuckle.